he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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