I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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