Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
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Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
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my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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