Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
