That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Someone shattered a urinal.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
