i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
