you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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