Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
