Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
