I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
