Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
