Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
