Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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