I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
