whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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