Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
