just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
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I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
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I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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