Well douche your snatch and let's go!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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