I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
