i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
