you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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