so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
40s are totally the cure
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
