I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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