i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize