4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
