"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
