its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
