Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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