After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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