My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
