I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize