Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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