Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
