The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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