I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I didn't notice because vodka
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
