Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
