I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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