By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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