I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
