uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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