Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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