her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
