Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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