Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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