i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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