i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
