It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
