I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
