what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
