I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
