Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
