i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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