im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
