I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
