the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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