God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
