I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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