walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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