I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
