We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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